There's no one for me

There's no one here for me, when someone cries, there is usually someone who would be beside him telling him: "don't cry, you can do it. I'm here for you."

But I don't have that person, so I actually created a replica of myself.

    Great!! I talk to my own self and someone sees me doing this and calls me: Retarded, well said, I am retarded. Because retarded means abnormal, and infact for me, the normal of this life is hell, so how can you call what's not "normal" which is hell, retardation, If you want hell, then burn yourself 

         I've paid a lot of bills, that even if someone forges a bill and asks me to pay it, I will, because I don't know who's wrong, Me OR the whole world?!

Ghosts beside me

Its dark in there isn't it?!

Life is the darkest place you could ever live in, it doesn't matter if you're blind or if you can clearly see, life is stil sooooo dark

    Do you know why?!

Do you know when you're sick or when you're somehow: a huge failure, or you're suffering from something really bad?! Huh, do you see how everyone is around you?, how everyone cares for you?! Now imagine when there is no one to support you, what do you feel, you even start thinking  was there SUPPOSED to be someone beside me now, and the sutuation answers: No!! Then, you know that you're alone in the battlefield, when you're a success everyone becomes proud because he thinks that it's rare to be a friend of a huge success like you, but when you fail, no one even wants to look to your face.

Life is always dark, because you can RARELY find the truth...

Silence

                            Silence

Silence was somewhere behind me

      Looking for a safer place

Ghosts were lying beside me 

      Trying to have their space

Death was all around me

      No one else to chase 

Darkness was meant to harm me 

      But even the sun is the darkest place

Truth was there for me

      But now, truth is the true disgrace

                          ________

Survival of the fittest!!

All I can see is: people progressing, having fun with their lives, controlling their souls, and somehow, have got someone to control...

     All my family members must have someone to be dominant on, they all have best best friends, they all have someone to share their secrets with, they have someone to talk to, they have someone to love, yes, they all do, and I, I don't have a role in the lives of the people I know, I am just nothing, I am after all a dust particle that can be simply abolished by the weakest actions that could ever exist, I can see unreal people beside me, and I rarely find an appropriate person..

Free?!

I can't tolerate anything, I can't survive this disastrous life, I started believing that I am living the worst life ever:

1- untrue and unfaithful family

2- unacceptable fiends 

3- no tools to help me

4- no one to stand with me in the battlefield 

5- can't use anything to help me, and everything is useless 

6- I do whatever I can to live happily, but there isn't even fresh air to inhale

7- I'm like a bird in a cage: so sad for how I live, and can't do anything to escape, or show my rage

8- I'm being ruled by people who are loved more than me, and I HAVE TO accept these consequences that I don't even diserve 

9- people think I am the one who's wrong, but I still believe that I'm right

        

NONE of a kind

Yesterday I made something great, it wasn't great for me, but was great for everyone I know:

1- I compared myself to each and every classmate of mine (whom I hate most of them) and I found that I have NOTHING UNIQUE each and everyone of them have got something that may show that he's more free than I am, to show that they are more loved than I am.

2- my family: everyone have got someone to support, being the middle brother Is a disaster, the small one is to be respected because he is your small brother, and the big one is to be respected because he is the biggest - I really hate something called inbetween now- I mean I hate my self, what's the point if I hate life, life will go on anyway, but I will ..remain.. dead...

High pressure!!

Have you ever had high pressure, extremely high, by someone, on you?!

    Maybe not as much as I have 

I've got to do all what my family wants me to do jut for them

I've got to study 24/7 and they want me to get 6 A* in my igcse o level exam

I've got to RESPECT both my brothers without considering anything they do 

I've got to go to school everyday and I can't deny the fact that I get tired in school that I even can't hold a grip of myself for a few hours

Though I got to sleep less, study more

I've got to study from many books, solve nearly all the questions, that only a super nerd would do, and I've got to do this in less time

I've even said that I am going to quit the tuitions they pay for, and they refuse, it's my decision and they still refuse, all of this is so that when they see what they don't want, they blame me on something I never told them to do

Love comes once

"In a normal man's life he may love a billion times , but in these billion times , about 999 million, 999 thousand, 999 feelings can be kept inside him, and remains a secret , but me, I may have all kept inside, but not too much, I 

mean, I've never TYPICALLY fell in live before, because I always wanted to stay alone, look to the sky and keep thinking deeply:

          When will I be free, and love a smooth beautiful life"

:( 

     

Friendship, explaining further

You know in the last post, I said I had no friends, I hate them, and in the one before it I said that I once chilled with my friends and talked frankly and had fun, well, this is confusing isn't it 

     What I meant to say is that this was the ultimate life experience, I did live with them for years, saw their faces everyday in school, and I've always tried to convince myself that I like them, and every time  we go in the right way, they act silly later and act as dumb heads , they create prblems from nowhere, they didn't trust me, I made my biggest mistake 

         3 years ago, I was strict, I mean I had my own way of living and style, I was well mannered, both my brothers are loved from their classmates , but me, I had to face everything , in 6th grade a boy joined, he seemed to be alright, but he wasn't, he was the worst devil soul I've ever seen, he turned all the good ones into bad ones, I was foolish, and step by step, I became even more bad than I thought, I can handle things, but for all these things happening to me, I wish that I beat the hell out of his face, but still, he's not only evil, he's tough too, like my life

      I left my style and domination over some of my friends go away , and I am human and I make mistakes...👎👎👎👎

How my life looks like?!!

Yes my life is sad, I think I am living a miserable life , I always wanted a real friend to stand with me in hard times, but I never found one of these, I always  wanted someone to hold hands and chat with, but I never found, maybe finding someone to love isn't that much easy, but what about friends

      All my friends are completely hard to tolerate, hard yo trust, hard to rely on and hard to share your secrets with, because they're dishonest, and honestly, I would like to pick up a knife and kill some of the, I mean just find a way to remove them from my life

    Why are you guys not listening to me, I really need your help, please , I can't change my life without you, whoever you are but I need you help

     All what I dreamt with is a beautiful ,smooth, calm, friendly and a breathtakingly beautiful life, yes I am full of fats, but I am ready to lose everything, but get a better life, my parents are pushing it too much, humiliation everyday, pressure to do what they want, they think that they get me all what I want, but I actually don't have all what I want? Though I am ready to lose all what I have to get a better life away from all this

Why?!!

Why am I treated like this? Why do I see my father treating my cousins and nephews way more better and friendly than me...

I see no difference, between me and a garbage can, I get used and all my feelings are thrown away..

That's why I am calling for help, I admit it, I can't go on this way...

"Life is tougher than i thought, it's tough and rough enough to make you ask for help"

 I am 15 and the last time I chilled out with my friends and had fun, laughed, smiled and talked frankly was 4 months ago, even these days in the feast holiday, they push me to study, study, study, I know that I am a high school student and my duty is to study, and work hard, but they were killing the child inside me years ago, to get good grades, to get useless certificates...

"They used to use all kinds of torture, maybe electricity wires are left, and I resisted, though I seemed to be foolish, because every time I fall down, I put all the hope in my body, I gather it up and use all my energy, then I rise, but I get struck again and again and I fell down"

This is my situation currently, please help

Help

Here you go, I really want help from you guys, I can't tolerate anything anymore in my life..

Pressure from everyone, and all this is upon my head, my dream is to escape this shit, I want to escape even if I will lose what I have, I can just lose everything but get a better life.

     But just I said before, I don't know where will I go, I mean , everyone deserves a second chance, but where is my right, I want a second chance too, even though I didn't waste my first one, because everyone around me worked enough to make me fail.

     All what my parents do is that they just order me to do everything and anything that they want, they do things that I don't want, and then they humiliate me, that's it and that's how it works, I think I am talented in something , but I can't discover myself, that's why I need your help, I need you to tell me what to do...

    My imagination is really wide, but my mind just stops when I think about this, so I rely on destiny and luck, I hate when I am asked to do things that I can't do...

A sample

What makes our life that mouth hard, that you can't even resist the fact that there are levels un this life, wether you go up, or you go down...

Probably what would the life of a 15 year old, look like...

There are many possibilities, simply, I don't like my life..

Alright, I understand what wise people say, "you should thank yourself that there are some people who can't even learn a word, they dream of 1/4th oc what you have, and you're so sad and expressing this on a blog that poor people doesn't know what does that word even mean"

        Well, thanks for this my friend, thanks, and I would like to tell you that, everyday, my mood gets ruined by hearing a lot of stupid talk from my parents, which means, I was unable to live a fair childhood so I would like to live the life I want...

       That's what people need to know, never look to the people down there, or to the people up there high on the mountain, look to yourself , and I wish that something would happen and one of those poor guys gets replaced so that he would live my life and I live his...

       This is what I want, my parents made me in a way that I would be always needy, if I can escape I would , but the problem is : "what's next?!"

        That's what I need your help in...